Can i not drive my cunt home
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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