White coat. Heels.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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