Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
