i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
