Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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