just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I see more hoeing in ur future
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
