the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
