I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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