just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I can't turn off my feet"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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