One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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