Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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