it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
