i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
