I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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