so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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