$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
