as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
