Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Randomize