Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
