so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
