...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
