Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
