she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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