Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
