I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
