I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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