i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
