The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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