i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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