he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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