Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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