Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
