She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
