Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
