i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
