Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
