I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
