it was like eating out sand paper
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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