they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
