I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
