i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
