The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
