She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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