fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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