that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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