Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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