This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
