Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Duck Duck Cougar?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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