I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
