Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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