Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
