I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
