dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
