She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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