can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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