I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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