I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
