Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You're like the curious george of whores
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
