so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Someone shit on the floor
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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