Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I believe in your delicious
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
