i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize